Nobody Uses the Telephone Anymore
by ForzaDelDestino
Summary: A conference call with Gwen, Merlin, Morgana, Gaius, and of course His Royal Pratness. Thank God Uther's not listening in. Mild Merlin/Arthur slash, references to Season 2. Chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4.
1. Chapter 1

[This is only the second piece of fanfiction I've ever written in my life, so bear with me. I owe thanks to **666-Black Fire-666** for the funny, witty "Merlin IM" (posted 7/31/09), which inspired the idea of a telephone conference call. This may be a bit silly, but it was fun to write. Kudos to whoever catches the brief reference to the original **Star Trek** series.**]**

**Nobody Uses the Telephone Anymore** (or **A Conference Call in Camelot**)

Gwen: "Hallo?"

Merlin: "Hallo, Gwen?"

Gwen: "Merlin? Is that you? I can't believe you're using the _phone_!

Merlin: "My computer's down, and I've been looking for a spell...I mean, a way to fix it, but no go."

Gwen: "Oh, bad luck, sorry."

Merlin: "I can't email, I can't IM or PM, I can't Skype anyone. I feel crippled."

Gwen: "Bummer."

Merlin: "I can't even check the castle message boards to see if Arthur's left any orders for me."

Gwen: _*snicker*_ "Ah, poor thing!"

Merlin: "No really, Gwen. If he thinks I'm slacking off he'll make me muck out the stables again."

Gwen: "Or wash out his socks–"

Merlin: "Or polish his armor–"

Gwen: "I saw you dressing him in his armor yesterday."

Merlin: "I've gotten better at it, thanks to you."

Gwen: "It was so cute...it took you twice as long to do it as it should have."

Merlin: "It was those leather straps, they're fiddly things."

Gwen: "I think it took you a long time on purpose."

Merlin: "Oh, come off it Gwen, really!"

Gwen: "Wait a minute, another call's coming in...it's Morgana. I'll put her on conference if you don't mind."

Morgana: "Gwen? What's going on, my computer's down."

Gwen: "Not you as well! Merlin's on the line too, Morgana."

Merlin: _*crashing sound*_ "Ow! Bloody hell!"

Morgana: "Merlin? Are you alright?"

Merlin: "Bugger!"

Morgana: _*acidly*_ "You're talking to me, not Arthur, Merlin."

Merlin: "Sorry...I was just trying to cast a...I mean trying to reboot and my router came unplugged."

_*snorts of laughter from Gwen and Morgana*_

Gwen: "I'm sorry, but you don't know how wrong that sounds!"

Morgana: "Been playing with Arthur's flashkey again, have we?"

_*both girls roar with laughter*_

Merlin: "Very funny."

Morgana: "Well it's a nuisance the computers are down. I was going to fill Uther's mailbox with anonymous emails."

Merlin: "Brilliant."

Morgana: "Or maybe one of those annoying chain letters. You know, with something like, _**'You must forward copies of this letter to ten other friends. If you do, you will have good luck for a fortnight. If you don't, your d**k will fall off.'**_That sort of thing."

Gwen: "Morgana, did you see Lancelot's new website? He's got some sort of interactive software program– and he's posted the most yummy pics of himself."

Merlin: _*sarcastically*_ "What? Facebook isn't good enough for him?"

Morgana: "Funny that he and Arthur get along so well. Arthur doesn't usually take kindly to competition."

Gwen: "Competition?"

Morgana: "I meant the military kind."

Gwen: "Oh, uh, I see. But the photos...he does look divine in those deerskin Speedos."

Merlin: "You mean he isn't naked?"

Gwen: "Oh for God's sake, Merlin!"

Merlin: _*under his breath*_ "Exhibitionist."

Morgana: "Well you have nothing to worry about, Merlin. Arthur doesn't take any notice of the way he looks."

Gwen: "True that. If Lancelot was dancing on the Round Table wearing a chain mail G-string, Arthur wouldn't give him any more consideration than yesterday's leftovers."

Morgana: "Whereas he looks at you, Merlin, like you were today's _creme brulée_.

Merlin: _*annoyed*_ "Right, ha, ha, ha."

Gwen: "In fact, he hasn't looked at anyone else like that since that slut, Sophia..."

Morgana: "Good job she's gone, eh Merlin?"

Merlin: "I don't know what you mean. I know nothing about that."

Morgana: _*meaningfully*_ "Of course you don't."

Gwen: "Good lord, someone's ringing me...it's Gaius. Shall I put him on conference?"

Merlin: _*sarcastically*_ "Why not, the more the merrier."

Gaius: _*BOOMS*_ "GWEN, IS YOUR COMPUTER DOWN?"

Gwen: "Gaius, please, stop shouting and lose the speakerphone!"

Gaius: "Oh, I'm sorry Gwen. I can't get used to these newfangled gadgets. I keep pushing the wrong buttons."

Morgana: _*snickering*_ "That's the first time I've heard anyone call a _telephone_ newfangled."

Gaius: "Now, now. Let's have a little respect from the younger generation."

Gwen: _*sotto voce*_ "He probably still remembers using the rotary dial ones."

Gaius: "It just so happens, young lady, that I do. And they were perfectly serviceable, thank you very much. These cordless things are impossible, I keep losing them. As for the computer, I can never remember how to turn it on, Merlin has to do it for me every morning. Now, speaking of Merlin, has anyone seen him?"

Merlin: "I'm here, Gaius. On the line."

Gaius: "Good God, that's another thing I can't get used to. In my day, we used to speak to one person at a time."

Merlin: "Do you need me for something? I don't think Arthur has any use for me at the moment."

_*Morgana and Gwen snicker*_

Gaius: "Well, Arthur did just send a messenger for you. It seems his computer's out of commission."

Merlin: "If it's about his bloody socks, they're clean and I put them in the chest under the window."

Gaius: "And Morgana, Uther was looking for you earlier. And be warned, he was in a terrible temper because he can't seem to access his emails. He was cursing a blue streak!"

Morgana: "Oh, no!"

Gaius: "In fact, I haven't heard that many scatalogical references since the royal horses ate too many turnips at the country fair."

Merlin: "Don't remind me. I had to muck out the stables, remember?"

Gaius: "You know he likes your company at meals, Morgana. And, perhaps it isn't my place to say this, but..."

Morgana: "That's all right, Gaius, let's have it."

Gaius: "It's just that...you realize that ever since we had that problem with over-the-border potion sales, the king likes to check the internet for wrongdoers and sorcerers' websites, and, well, he does know how to Google, so..."

Morgana: "So?"

Gaius: "I don't mean to criticize, Morgana, but you might want to practice a little more online discretion. If Uther saw those photos of yourself that you posted on your Facebook–"

Gwen and Merlin: "_What!!!"_

Morgana: "There's not a thing wrong with those photos, Gaius. The way you're fussing you'd think I'd made a sex tape with a Druid. I look perfectly decent, I'm covered up."

Gaius: "Well, barely."

Morgana: "Oh, someone's ringing me. It's Arthur!"

Gwen: "It's a good thing we had the phone technicians here last week."

Arthur: "Morgana? Is your computer down?"

Morgana: "Yes, like everybody else's, you're not alone."

Arthur: "I don't suppose you've seen Merlin? My room's in a shambles."

Merlin: "How nice to be needed."

Arthur: "_Mer_lin, you tosser! It's a mess, I can't find anything!"

Morgana: "Such manners. If you can't find your things it's your own bloody fault. We were having a lovely conversation until your dulcet tones chimed in."

Arthur: _*sarcastically*_ "Oh, really? And what, may I ask, was the lovely conversation about?"

Morgana: "Erm, we were discussing Lancelot, for one."

Merlin: _*under his breath*_ "That wanker."

Gwen: "Merlin, he is not!"

Arthur: "Gwen? Wait, how many of you are on here?"

Gaius: "The computers are all down, sire."

Arthur: "_Gaius?_"

Gaius: "Well I'll not be needing Merlin today, sire, so he's all yours."

Merlin: _*under his breath*_ "Ah the perils of servitude."

Arthur: "Oh shut up, Merlin; stop whinging. After my room's tidy I need you to meet me at the stables, we're going hunting."

Merlin: "Again, sire?"

Arthur: "The new stallion needs exercising."

_*Morgana and Gwen snicker*_

Arthur: "I mean, I haven't really broken him in yet."

_*Both girls explode into laughter*_

Merlin: "I already told the new groom to get him some mash and put extra hay in the stall for him."

Arthur: "That's good, Merlin, I'm glad to see that the greyware works from time to time."

Merlin: "The greyware, sire?"

Arthur: _*acidly*_ "Your brain, you idiot."

Gwen: "Speaking of hay, we won't have to worry about winter supplies. I saw the farmers bringing in three wagonloads full yesterday, they put it all in the hayloft."

Morgana: _*heavy with innuendo*_ "Before you rush off on your hunt, Arthur, why don't you take Merlin to check on the hayloft."

Arthur: "What?"

Morgana: _*airily*_ "You know what Uther thinks. I mean, nothing's sacred these days, it seems. Sorcerers everywhere. God forbid there should be a sorcerer hiding in the hay. The two of you should go up there and make certain it's safe."

Arthur: "Morgana–"

Morgana: _*sweetly*_ "You know you want to."

Gwen: _*under her voice*_ "So does Merlin."

Merlin: "Hey!"

Gwen: "Hay is for horses, Merlin."

_*Everybody else GROANS loudly*_

Arthur: _*deeply sarcastic*_ "Much as I'd like to continue this completely fascinating, intellectually stimulating conversation, I have work to do."

Merlin: "Work. You have work."

Arthur: "Well yes, Merlin, _as it happens_ I do have to see to the running of this kingdom..."

Morgana: "I thought that was Uther's job."

Arthur: "...and the military exercises of the knights, and the overseeing of the patrols..."

Morgana: "Dear me."

Arthur: "...and the training of incompetent servants. So off you go, Merlin, chop chop. And don't forget to be at the stables in an hour. For God's sake, you won't be late this time?"

Merlin: "I don't think so."

Arthur: "You don't think so, what?"

Merlin: "I don't think so, _sire._"

Gwen: _*comfortingly*_ "We'll see you later, Merlin."

Merlin: _*sigh*_ "I'll see you at dinner, ladies, Gaius."

_*Merlin rings off*_

Arthur: "Really, Morgana, the way you talk to me in front of the help–"

Morgana: "The help?"

Arthur: "You know, Merlin and Gwen."

Gwen: _*under her breath*_ "Let's just pretend that I'm not here, shall we?"

Morgana: _*all sweetness*_ "Never mind, Arthur, they know better than to bother listening to us. And don't worry, childhood friend. We'll all stay far away from the stables this afternoon."

Arthur: "MORGANA!"

_*Morgana rings off*_

Gwen: "Well, I really must go. Morgana may need me to press her gown, there's dancing in the great hall tonight."

_*Gwen rings off*_

Arthur: "God, Gaius, if anyone had told me that the crown prince of Camelot would get so little respect from his subjects..."

_*Arthur rings off*_

Gaius: "I, for one, am grateful that Uther hasn't yet discovered the political efficacy of wiretapping."

_*Gaius rings off*_


	2. Chapter 2

**

* * *

**

CHAPTER 2

**The next morning:**

Morgana: "Hallo, Arthur?"

Arthur: "Morgana? Are the computers still down?"

Morgana: "We have two techs coming this afternoon, from Ye Olde Motherboard in the lower town."

Arthur: "Thank God."

Morgana: "I just hope they don't bodge things even more."

Arthur: "We'll have to resort to carrier pigeons."

Morgana: "Uther had to send_ runners _with messages last night."

Arthur: "I know, I could hear them pounding up and down the halls; they were noisier than Merlin on one of his bad days."

Morgana: "Ah, well. Speaking of Merlin, how was the hayloft yesterday?"

Arthur: "Morgana!!!"

Morgana: _*sweetly*_ "All right, all right, if we don't want to tell...oh, Gwen's ringing me, I asked her to get in touch. I'll put her on conference call, if you don't mind."

Arthur: _*icily*_ "By all means, she's much more civil to me than you are."

Gwen: "Good morning Morgana."

Morgana: "Good morning Gwen...Arthur's here as well."

Gwen: "Oh...good morning, my lord."

Arthur: _*yawning*_ "Mmmmfff...morning Gwen."

Morgana: _*under her breath*_ "Manners, manners."

Gwen: "Does the king know that the computers are still out of order?"

Arthur: "Yes, he's au fait with the situation I believe, but he's not happy about it."

Morgana:_ *snickering*_ "The poor man! I can't wait to be back on line so I can stuff his mailbox full of spam."

Gwen: "Merlin's ringing me, I'll just put him on conference, shall I?"

Merlin: "Gwen? The computers are still down."

Gwen: "Don't I know it."

Merlin: "The castle steward just got a message from Lancelot. Fortunately for him, he sent it by snail mail."

Gwen: "What did he say?"

Merlin: "He's coming to Camelot next week."

Gwen: "Oh!"

Morgana: "For how long?"

Merlin: "For an extended stay, so he says. That should make you ladies happy."

Morgana: "Oh Merlin! No need to be jealous. We enjoy his company, that's all."

Gwen: "Even Arthur enjoys it...he's such a _splendid_ fighter...they practice sparring and jousting every time he visits. I'm sure Arthur will invite him to a round of broadsword practice."

Merlin: "Better him than me."

Gwen: _*teasingly* _"And why is that?"

Merlin: "I'm tired of being whacked over the helmet with the flat of a sword, thank you."

Morgana: "Perhaps you can watch Lancelot whack Arthur's helmet with the flat of his."

Merlin: "OK, I'm willing to admit he's good. Any bets for whether he can knock His Highness arse over elbow the next time they joust?"

Arthur: "Ahem!"

Merlin: "Oops."

Morgana: "I forgot to mention...Arthur's on the line as well."

Arthur: "Just remember mate, the stocks are empty today."

Merlin: "Erm...Gaius is ringing me! Hallo Gaius?"

Gaius: "Oi! Merlin! Are the computers still down?"

Merlin: "Yes of course, can't you tell?"

Gaius: "You know I can't turn those blasted things on. I have no notion of how they work. That's why I always ask you to do it. And what's all this talk about apps. What's an app?"

Merlin: "I'll explain later. Better yet, I'll have the tech people explain it."

Arthur: "It's been lovely chatting with all of you, but I need to ride out to the fields, someone's reported an infestation of enormous crows."

Gaius: "Ugh! Nasty things! Wait–enormous cows, did you say?"

Arthur: "CROWS. Ravens. Whatever."

The Great Dragon:_ *speaking telepathically to Merlin* _"Merlin! Don't let Arthur go alone!"

Merlin: "Wait...how did you get on the line???"

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin* _"I'm not on the line, you silly boy. Now, don't let the young Pendragon go alone. I sense grave danger to Camelot. Remember the symbol of Cornelius Sigan?"

Merlin: "Oh bloody hell, not again."

Arthur: "Merlin, what are you on about?"

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "Remember the spell I gifted you with, young warlock. It will save you, and Arthur, if Sigan has truly returned."

Merlin: "I thought we sorted him out last time."

Arthur: "I knew it! Merlin's gone mad. Now he's talking to himself."

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin_* "Never forget, young warlock, that you and Arthur are two sides of–"

Merlin: "I know, I know, two sides of the same bloody coin."

Arthur: "Raving bonkers. Either that or he's been at the cider again."

Gwen: "Merlin! Are you all right?"

Arthur: "I must have hit his helmet too hard during sword practice."

Gaius: "Merlin hasn't been getting enough sleep, sire."

Morgana:_ *under her breath* _"Well that makes two of us."

Gwen: "Oh, poor Merlin. You _**must**_ go to bed earlier."

Morgana: "It's not his fault if Arthur keeps him up late."

Arthur: "Morgana–"

Morgana: "Well, you shouldn't exhaust him so. God knows what you've been making the poor boy do..."

Arthur: "Morgana–"

Morgana: "...Or what you've been doing to the poor boy."

Arthur: "MORGANA!"

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin* _"Remember, Merlin, that your destiny is joined to Arthur's."

Merlin: "That's fine for you to say. I'd no notion that _more than my destiny_ was going to be joined to–"

Arthur: "Merlin, what in blazes are you on about???"

Gaius: "I think I'd best take Merlin to his room, my lord. He clearly isn't well."

Merlin: "Are you going to help me or not?"

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin* _"I already have." _*mocking laughter*_

Gwen: "Of course we'll help you, Merlin."

Merlin: "Right. Thanks. Just fly away like you always do."

Gaius: "Merlin, please tell us what's wrong."

Arthur: "How can we help you if you can't be arsed to tell us what's wrong?"

Morgana: "I think we should leave him alone, poor Merlin. He needs his rest."

Gaius: "Merlin, where are you? Gwen, I'm going to need some help to get him to his room."

Merlin: "There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. Me."

Arthur: "Of course there isn't." _*whispers*_ "Gaius have you got a sedative we could dose him with?"

Gaius: "I may have something in my workroom. I made an elixir for Morgana yesterday."

Morgana:_ *under her breath* _"It didn't work."

Merlin: "I've no need of a sedative, thank you very much."

Arthur: "Gaius, I can hold him down while you dose him."

Morgana:_ *in exasperation*_ "I'm sure you're quite accustomed to holding him down, Arthur, but I think we should leave him alone."

Merlin: "Right. OK, that's it, I'm off."

_Merlin rings off._

Gaius: "I'll go look for him, sire."

_Gaius rings off._

Morgana: "Now look what you've done!"

_Morgana rings off._

Arthur: "Gwen? Are you still there?"

Gwen: "Yes I'm here, sire."

Arthur: "Why is Merlin angry with me?"

Gwen: "Perhaps he thinks you're angry with him, sire."

Arthur: "Angry with him? I'm not angry–just concerned. I mean, he seems a bit more, well, odd than usual today, doesn't he?"

Gwen: "I'm sure Gaius can look after him."

Arthur: "I don't see why he should be angry with me."

Gwen: _*mischievously*_ "Well...have you any habits that might be troubling him?"

Arthur: "I..."

Gwen: "How many times did you make him muck out the stable this week?"

Arthur: "I..."

Gwen: "Perhaps he's simply tired of washing your socks."

Arthur: "Gwen, I..."

Gwen: "Or perhaps it's because you snore, sire."

_Gwen rings off._

Arthur: "Oh bloody hell."

_Arthur rings off._


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

**The following morning:**

Gwen: "My lady? Hallo...Morgana, is that you?"

Morgana: "There's a lot of static! What happened? I thought the techs were meant to have the computers back on line _yesterday_."

Gwen: "They were supposed to. But there's a bit of a problem with the wiring, so they said. It seems one of our underground cables was burnt through."

Morgana: "Really? How did that happen?"

Gwen: "I don't know. They said there were indications of fire all over it."

Morgana: "Uther was fuming."

Gwen: "Again?"

Morgana: "He thinks it was sorcery, nattered on about it for hours. Of course, he thinks everything's sorcery. Oh dear, Arthur's ringing me. That's the second time this morning."

Arthur: "Morgana? Has anyone seen Merlin?"

Gwen: "Gaius said he was still resting in his room, sire. So he should be. He was quite delirious yesterday."

Morgana: "So would you be if you had to work for Arthur."

Arthur: _*indignantly*_ "What's that supposed to mean? It's not as though I ever beat him or anything."

Morgana: "Perhaps Merlin needs a little holiday. Why not give him a week off? You can do without him for a week, can't you Arthur?"

Arthur: "Absolutely not. That is...absolutely not. My armor needs polishing, my boots need cleaning, my dogs need exercising, my fireplace needs sweeping, my _bed_ needs changing, my stable needs mucking out, and I have a _mountain _of laundry."

Gwen: _*concerned* _"That's quite a lot of work, sire."

Morgana: _*in angelic tones*_ "No doubt that's why he's always in your room so late at night."

Arthur: "Mor–"

Morgana: _*sweetly*_ "Never mind, never mind. Now, what happened yesterday with the infestation of ravens?"

Arthur: "False alarm Morgs. Ordinary crows, nothing magical about them at all. Some silly peasant had been at the ale, apparently."

Gwen: "Gaius is ringing....oh, I do hope his speakerphone is turned off."

Gaius: "Gwen? Are the blasted computers still down?"

Gwen: "The techs say that our underground cable was burnt through."

Gaius: "Do they think it was an accident of some sort? Or a deliberate act?"

Morgana: "Naturally Uther thinks it was sorcery...deliberate and _evil_ sorcery of course, is there any other kind as far as he's concerned? According to him it's the latest trend in domestic terrorism."

Gaius: _*mutters*_ "Good God!" _*raises his voice*_ "Well you'll be pleased to know that Merlin's very much on the mend."

Gwen: "That's lovely news, Gaius!"

Morgana: "He needed his rest. You overwork him, Arthur."

Arthur: "I never."

Morgana: "I have a thought. It's been so busy, Gwen could use a little help. Why doesn't Merlin work for me for a week or so?"

Arthur: "Not a chance."

Morgana: "Oh?"

Arthur: "I won't have it. Delivering your sleeping potions at bedtime. Bringing you flowers he's picked himself. He ought to know his place."

Morgana: _*icily*_ "Meaning he ought to know his place is with you, is that it?"

Arthur: "Morgana! Will you–"

Gaius: "Merlin's ringing me! I thought he was going to sleep all morning."

Merlin: _*groggily*_ "Gaius? What was in that medicine?"

Gaius: "Tincture of valerian, my dear boy. You slept like a top."

Merlin: _*groggily* _"I feel a little dizzy."

Gaius: "I sat up with you for a while, to make sure. You were talking in your sleep."

Merlin: _*groggily*_ "Oh no."

Gaius: "Classic delirium, I'm afraid. You said something about being eaten by a Wildren."

Merlin: "Erm..."

Gaius: "Although why a Wildren would want to eat you..."

Gwen: _*giggling*_ "Perhaps Merlin's tasty, Gaius."

Morgana: "Ask Arthur."

_Arthur mutters angrily in the background._

Merlin: _*still groggy*_ "What else did I say?"

Gaius: _*uncomfortably*_ "Now that I think on it, perhaps there were some things that are better left unrepeated."

Arthur: "Oh really? For example?"

Gaius: _*even more uncomfortable*_ "Well I'm afraid I can't repeat–"

Merlin: _*still groggy*_ "I can't wiss merk...I mean, miss work today."

Morgana: "Which reminds me...someone has to tidy a room for our guest."

Gwen: "Oh...Lancelot!"

Morgana: "He'll be here next week."

Gwen: "Oh yes!"

Arthur:_ *under his breath*_ "Women!"

Merlin: "Hey...how many of you are on this line?"

Morgana: "Arthur is, I'm afraid, and then there's Gwen, Gaius, and me."

Merlin: "And the computers are still down."

Arthur: "Took you a while to figure that one out, did it?"

Merlin:_ *under his breath*_ "Prat."

Arthur: _*loudly*_ "Idiot!"

Merlin: "I haven't had a chance to ask–"

Arthur: "The greyware needs an upgrade, does it?"

Gwen: _*under her breath*_ "I hate to say it, but they sound just like–"

Morgana: _*loudly*_ "An old married couple."

_Both girls snort with laughter._

Arthur: "As you haven't bothered to ask, _Mer_lin, you should know that the computers are still out of commission because an underground cable was damaged by fire."

Merlin: "What? By..._fire,_ you said?"

Arthur: "Deaf as well as dumb."

Merlin: "Gaius! Did you know about this?"

Gaius: "I've only just heard."

Merlin: _*whispers*_ "Gaius, it must have been..._him_!"

Gaius: "Eh?"

Merlin: _*whispers*_ "You know who...scaly...wings...fiery breath...you know."

Arthur: "Gaius, I thought you said he was better."

Gaius: "Well, I–"

Arthur: "Now it bloody well sounds like hallucinations."

Gaius: _*whispers*_ "Merlin...why should you-know-who want to–"

Merlin: _*whispers*_ "He must want to keep us off the internet."

Arthur: "Oh Gaius...not you as well!"

Gaius: "What was that, sire?"

Arthur: _*under his breath*_ "It must be contagious."

Gaius: "Merlin, where are you?"

Merlin: "I'm in the Great Hall. I can just nip down to the–"

Arthur: "_Mer_lin, don't move. Gaius, Gwen, we'll need to get him back to his room again."

Morgana: "Come along, Gwen. We can help you, Arthur."

Arthur: "I can carry him to bed."

Morgana: "On second thoughts, perhaps you don't want our help."

Merlin:_ *whispers*_ "Do you think he's set up his own website?"

Gaius: "Impossible! I mean...impossible! There are no terminals down there."

Arthur: "Down where? What are you two on about? Morgana, Gwen, I swear this thing is contagious."

Gwen: "If you don't need me, then, I'll just dash over to the guestrooms and tidy one up."

Morgana: _*chuckling*_ "Ah, the irresistible Lancelot."

Arthur: "And what's so irresistible about him, may I ask? What has he got that I haven't got?"

Morgana: "About a wagonload of humility, for starters."

Gwen: "He saved my life."

Arthur: "_He_ saved your life! _He_! What about me? I didn't help to save your life as well?"

Morgana: _*whispers*_ "Gwen! Did he kiss you?"

Gwen: _*confused*_ "Did who kiss me?"

Morgana: _*exasperated*_ "Lancelot, of course!"

Gwen: "Oh...Lancelot." _*whispers*_ "Yes, he did."

Arthur: "What! Did I hear you say Lancelot kissed you?"

Gwen: "Well..."

Arthur: _*whispers*_ "Did you kiss him back?"

Gwen: "Sire–"

Arthur: _*whispers*_ "Does he know that I kissed–"

Gwen: "Shhhhh!"

Morgana: "Wait a moment, Gwen. Just how many people have you been kissing?"

Merlin: _*whispers*_ "Gwen! I didn't tell anybody that you kissed–"

Arthur: "_What!_ Wait...you can't possibly have kissed _Merlin!_"

Gaius: _*alarmed*_ "Pay no attention to Merlin, sire, he's in an overmedicated state."

Morgana: _*surprised*_ "Good heavens, Gwen!"

Gwen: _*completely flustered*_ "I really must go...go...see to the dusting!"

Arthur: "_Guinevere!_"

Morgana: "Ow! Stop shouting!"

Merlin: _*mumbling*_ "I am not overmedicated."

_Gwen rings off._

Morgana: "I'll try to find her. Really...I think we're going to have to have a little talk."

_Morgana rings off._

Merlin: "Gaius, I promise I'll be right back, but first I'll just nip down to the...you know."

_Merlin rings off._

Arthur: "Gaius...has everyone in this castle gone completely mad?"

_Arthur rings off._

Gaius: "These young people today! No sense of self-control."

_Gaius rings off._


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

**Two days later:**

Arthur: _*coughing*_ "Hullo...who's this?"

Merlin: "Sire...Arthur, it's me. What's wrong?"

Arthur: "Wrong? Did I say anything was _wrong_?"

Merlin: "You sent a messenger, asking me to ring you up."

Arthur: _*coughing*_ "It's not my bloody fault the computers are still down."

Merlin: "No...they're meant to be fixing the cable now, the technicians. They asked if we'd like to change our service to TotalEclipse, Virginal, T-Immobile, Horizon, or Splint."

Arthur: _*coughing*_ "I don't care, as long as it works."

Merlin: "Arthur...you sound horrible."

Arthur: "Excuse me?"

Merlin: "I mean, your voice, you sound..."

Arthur: _*coughing*_ "My throat hurts and my head hurts...I think I may need to see Gaius."

Merlin: "That's what happens when you sleep with no shirt on. Which you've been doing lately."

Arthur: "I haven't heard any complaints from you."

Merlin: "Erm...Gaius can send over some syrup for your throat. And some infusion of willowbark for your head."

Arthur: _*sneezing*_ "I bay deed to stay id bed."

Merlin: "I only hope it isn't the Swine Plague. Hey...Gaius is ringing me. You can ask-"

Gaius: "Merlin? They've repaired the cable!"

Merlin: "Gaius, Arthur is ill...he's coughing and sneezing...you don't suppose it could be the Swine–"

Arthur: _*sneezing*_ "Oh bloody hell, Berlin, id isn'd the Swide Plague!"

Gaius: "We'll see, we'll see. I wouldn't worry, sire, there haven't been any cases reported in Camelot yet."

Arthur: "I didden thig so."

Gaius: "Morgana's ringing me, sire."

Morgana: "Good morning Gaius! That sleeping draught actually _worked _last night."

Gaius: "Oh dear! That wasn't a sleeping draught, it was a...well, never mind, as long as it worked."

Merlin: "Arthur's ill, Morgana."

Arthur: _*coughing and sneezing*_ "Ugh. Ids gedding worse."

Morgana: "Good lord! You have got it bad. Your voice sounds like a troll's."

Arthur: _*coldly*_ "Thags."

Merlin: "Someone should tell the king."

Gaius: "Well don't tell him Arthur sounds like a troll, for pity's sake! Uther's a bit sensitive on the subject of trolls these days."

Morgana: "Oh, Gwen's ringing me, Gaius. I do hope _she's_ not ill."

Merlin: "Why should Gwen be ill?"

Morgana: _*severely*_ "Well, at the rate that she's been kissing people–"

Merlin: "But it was ages ago that she and Arthur were ki–"

Arthur: _*coughing*_ "Will you shuddup!"

Gaius: _*under his breath*_ "It's becoming entirely too hormonal around here for someone my age."

Gwen: "Good morning, Morgana. Someone just told me, the cable's been fixed."

Morgana: "Thank God!"

Gwen: "They've gone to tell the king."

Morgana: _*gleefully*_ "Now I can go back to sending him embarrassing links, anonymously."

Gaius: _*under his breath*_ "Oh, honestly!"

Morgana: "I think I'll send him a link to HotTrollLove dot com."

Gaius: "Ahem! Before you all run off to do silly things on the internet, I should warn you that they may decide to relocate the cable. In which case everything will be down once more, for a day or two."

Merlin: "Why?"

Gaius: "So it won't get damaged again. I saw it. It really was burnt to a crisp. And Merlin, don't say _I told you so._"

Merlin: _*meaningfully*_ "I told–erm, sorry."

Gaius: "That's what we get, I suppose, for running our cables through those underground caverns."

Gwen: "Oh? Is there volcanic activity down there?"

_Arthur sneezes loudly._

Gaius: "Stay in bed, sire; I'll be over right away to have a look at you."

Gwen: "Poor Arthur...honey and cider vinegar in hot water might help."

Arthur: _*sniffling*_ "Thags."

Morgana: "Uther won't be pleased. He'll have to see to the knights' morning drill himself."

Gaius: "Let's hope no one else comes down with it."

Morgana: "I can't think where Arthur could have caught it."

Gaius: "It's been rather cold at night...I trust you've been wearing your woolen nightshirts, sire."

_Conspicuous silence from Arthur._

Gaius: "Well, no matter. I have some willowbark for fever, and some honey syrup to coat your throat."

Merlin: "What about a mustard poultice?"

Gwen: "I'll bring some camomile tea to help him sleep."

Arthur: _*clearing his throat*_ "Oh sod it! I dodd care what so log as it works."

Morgana: "Temper, temper. Oh! I don't believe it! My computer's up and running."

Gwen: "How can you tell?"

Morgana: "All the lights on the router just lit up. Hang on, I'll try–"

Gaius: "Well?"

Morgana: _*excitedly*_ "It's working, it's working! I'll check the castle message boards."

Gaius: "Try sending an email to Uther. Tell him the prince is ill."

Gwen: "Better yet, instant messenger it."

_A pause._

Morgana: "He must have been waiting in front of the screen because he shot back an answer almost before I was finished."

Gaius: "And?"

Morgana: "As Arthur's not up to it, he'd like Gwaine or Tristan or Bors to train the new knights."

Arthur: _*snorts*_ "Thad shows how buch he doze."

Gaius: "Morgana, perhaps he's not aware that Gwaine has an appointment with some knight at the Green Chapel, Tristan has gone to visit his Uncle Mark and Uncle Mark's new bride from Hibernia, I mean Ireland, and Bors is patroling the lower town."

Morgana: "What about Percival?"

Gaius: "Oh, he's meant to be resting, I've confined him to the infirmary. He hasn't been quite himself lately. Nattering on about some fancy cup he's been searching for. Calls it a grail, or some such thing."

Morgana: _*with mock concern*_ "Ah well, poor Uther, he'll just have to do it himself."

Gaius: "I'm off to check on Arthur. I'll bring this blasted cordless phone with me, just in case. Merlin, go and switch our computer on, would you please, and see if it's working?"

Gwen: "Um...I'll see if Gaius needs any help."

_Gwen rings off._

Morgana: "Poor Gwen!"

Merlin: "Oh?"

Morgana: "She's a bit confused these days, that girl."

Merlin: "I can relate."

Morgana: "It's a bit of a problem when more than one person finds you attractive. Or when you find more than one person attractive."

Merlin: "Erm, yes, well..."

Gaius: "Well, here I am, sire! Merlin, stay on the line, I may need you to bring me some supplies. My goodness, sire, your chamber could use a little tidying."

Arthur: "Thad's Berlin's fault."

Gaius: "Let's straighten out your bedclothes first...what a mess."

_Arthur sneezes._

Gaius: "Here, take this infusion of willowbark. It will help with the pain. Where's your handkerchief?"

_More sneezing._

Gaius: "Ah! Here it is, under your pillow, sire. That is...oh...ah..."

Merlin: "What's wrong, Gaius?"

Gaius: _*embarrassed*_ "Well...that's to say...it's..." _*lowers his voice to a whisper*_ "It's your neck scarf, Merlin."

Morgana: "I knew it! I've just won ten gold pieces!"

Gaius: "Eh?"

Morgana: "Everyone's been taking bets! Oh...I'm sorry, Merlin. I didn't mean to embarrass you..."

_Arthur blows his nose loudly._

Merlin: "I don't think I'll be wanting that back, sire."

Gaius: _*dithering in total embarrassment*_ "Now where did I put that...Um, just take this syrup, sire, and...and you'll feel much better in an hour or so. Did I give you the willowbark? We'll need more pillows to...to prop you up. Perhaps you...ah...wouldn't mind wearing your nightshirt from now on? At least while the weather's bad?"

Morgana: "I'll wager Gwen lost some money on this."

Arthur: *coughing* "Morgana, juzd shuddup!"

Morgana: "Oh...Gaius! I'm checking the news online and some twit from Mercia is reporting that the Swine Plague_ is _heading for Camelot."

Gaius: "It can't be. There hasn't been a case within fifty miles."

Morgana: "Of course they're blaming the Druids."

Gaius: "How silly! Now sire, don't worry, I'm certain you don't have it."

Arthur: "I'b nod worried. I'b go-ig to sleep. Gaius, switch off by bloody phode, will you?"

_Arthur rings off._

Morgana: "I need to read through my emails, there are hundreds of them–I'll see you later."

_Morgana rings off._

Merlin: _*under his breath* _"What she means is she wants to check her Facebook."

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "Merlin! The young Pendragon will recover."

Merlin: "Oh, not you again!"

Gaius: "Eh?"

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "Have no fear. The Swine Plague will not strike Camelot until next year. It is not Arthur's destiny to succumb to such a minor event."

Merlin: _*sarcastically*_ "How nice to know about things in advance."

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "As your destiny is joined to Arthur's, it is well to be aware of the forces aligned against you."

Gaius: "Merlin? Who on earth are you talking to?"

Merlin: "Oh, nobody. Just some clairvoyant git."

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "Know, young warlock, that the Plague rumors have been started by enemies of Camelot who seek to raise panic in the realm of Albion. Be not alarmed, there is no truth to them. In other words, they're pure crap."

Merlin: "Well of course he'll recover, it's only a cold."

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "On the other hand you, Merlin, may wish to lay in a stock of willowbark and cough syrup."

Merlin: "Oh? Why?"

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "One need not be clairvoyant to predict that the next person to come down with Arthur's cold will be you." _*sniggers mockingly*_

Merlin: "But–"

The Great Dragon: _*speaking telepathically to Merlin*_ "You and the young Pendragon may also wish to practice a little discretion, young warlock. If Uther were to discover how often you and Arthur have been joining destinies, Camelot would be in grave danger."

Merlin: _*shouting*_ "That's enough...I'm off!"

_Merlin rings off._

Gaius: "Oi! What the devil was he on about? Merlin!" _*mutters to self*_ "I'm sure he forgot to switch on the blasted computer!"

_Gaius rings off. _


End file.
